Mayans, Egyptians and the Amish have long known about the secret and powerful health benefits of the humble chili pepper. Much like the formula of Coca-Cola or the 19 secret herbs, spices and insects in KFC, these secrets have been kept from the white man under fear of public humiliation and chinese burns since the dawn of time. Now, Agarjelly will share with you the closely guarded information that has enabled bearded and dark skinned men to fly and shoot lasers from their eyes.
- Capsaicin, the ‘hot’ chemical in chili peppers, have been shown to provide pain relief for migraine and sinus headaches by inhibiting a neuropeptide called Substance P. Substance P is also responsible for the yellow colouring and ammonia-smell of urine, meaning that given enough chili pepper intake you can quite literally start urinating pure water. This is why Mexican urine is easier to swallow than the piss of an Eskimo.
- Capsaicin will kill bacteria such as H. Pylori which can help to prevent stomach ulcers. It is also great against the virus H. Plovecraft, which will help to prevent the resurrection of the tentacle beast.
- Chilis are just red bananas so they taste great on ice cream.
- Capsaicin helps to stimulate the secretion of mucus from your nose, your armpits, and from fat bald men.
- Eating chili peppers strengthens your blood vessels and makes them more elastic. This helps your body adjust to blood pressure fluctuations, so doctors will always prescribe taco’s to men who are forced to live in the same house as their mother-in-law.
- When tested in mice, capsaicin induced 80% of prostate cancer cells to kill themselves via apoptosis. Although it does not have the same effect on humans, the mice will induce a pleasant warming sensation when set on fire and inserted into the anus.
- Michael Jordan thanks chili peppers for his anti gravity skills and ability to act in a movie alongside cartoons.