There once was a farmer that owned a lot of chickens that became sick. He employed the skills of a biologist, a chemist, and a physicist to diagnose mystery chicken illness. The biologist says “There is something wrong, but I don’t know what”. The chemist says “I can see what is wrong, but I don’t know how to fix it”. Meanwhile, the physicist is scribbling notes and equations and diagrams and finally proclaims “I’ve got it! But it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum” …
This is the story that most people believe to be the source of the ‘spherical chicken’ reference. The real story involves the military, genetic engineering, and sphincters.
Initial genetic testing in the military was focussed on breeding a new ‘super soldier’, but scientists soon realised that if their soldiers were going to live longer then they would need more supplies to be maintained. Protein and vitamin infused soy bean curds were created, but the genetic modifications in the soldiers led to increased testosterone levels and the pale yellow meat substitute was promptly shunned as ‘faggy’ and ‘gratuitously gay’.
After many failed foodstuffs chicken was decided upon as the best solution. As well as offering a tasty meaty bite, if the chickens were looked after in a live environment enough eggs would be produced to fuel the meat headed soldiers for weeks. This decision proved popular, and soon there were problems transporting enough chickens into the front lines. A page was taken from the Japanese genetic engineering book (Watermelons Made Cubic For Super Happy Fun Times), and it was decided to breed chickens that were shaped in such a way that they could maximise the number of chickens sqeezed into a shipping crate.
Three shapes were tested; Cylindrical chickens were created, and once KFC perfected ‘Boneless’ technology these chickens could be squeezed through huge mechanical sphincters to produce round chicken patties. Cylindrical chickens were popular until Apple sued for patent infringement. Cubic chickens were created, but problems arose when trying to pass cubic eggs. Finally spherical chickens were tested, but by the time these new balls of clucky protein were out of beta testing there was no more budget to move into mass production. The project was closed.
